Okay, I'll admit, I'm a bit of a purist. I saw the original when I was about six or seven. And then numerous times between. I can now recite much of the movie by memory (though I'm not as good as someone else I know).
While this is rather pathetic it also conveys my enjoyment of this particular flick.
I am not a remake hater, though I do tend to roll my eyes at the mention of yet ANOTHER remake of a beloved classic. I heard about this last year and couldn't help but feel a sinking in my stomach.
It was confirmed when they rolled out the cast and then character names.
W
T
F
So, really Melissa, shut up and get on with it.
You're right.
The Good: The attempt to make Freddy scary again YAAAAAAAY...One halfway decent line....
and...hmm...there has got to be something else...oh yeah. The opening credits video wasn't bad.
The Bad: Everything else. Yes. Really. EVERYTHING ELSE. I don't really know where to start. The terrible acting, the god awful Nancy, the poor Freddy, the butchering of iconic scenes, the over use of the 'artsy angsty teen', the truly bad sexual innuendos from Freddy, the pathetic jump scares, the more pathetic chase/kills, the over the top goody goody that is Nancy.... I mean holy run on sentence Batman it's got me twitterpated.
So,
We start out in Springwood Diner with a young man named Dean. I'm really not sure who exactly he's suppose to be, if anyone from 'the original'. First, he's so not a teenager, there is a fine line here people, he really should have stuck with Twilight. Secondly, the whole part just doesn't work. They try to jam in the fact that if Freddy cuts you in a dream, you get cut in real life and then he dies.
Yep, all in about five or so minutes.
So, we're off to a great start.
At the funeral (very much like Rod Lanes funeral in NoES original) we get to meet the rest of the cast. Kris AKA Tina, Nancy, Quinton (we met him at the diner above)AKA Glenn though he and this Nancy aren't dating, Jesse AKA Rod Lane and the parents, Nancy's father is nowhere to be found.
They pulled the 'OMG THERE IS ME AS A CHILD WHAT'S GOING ON' card. Very original.
Focus then switches to Kris, her nightmares and such and her boyfriend Jesse. She tries to find out about her past yada yada.
Her mother goes out of town, Jesse (remember, he's Rod Lane) shows up, she doesn't want to sleep alone blah blah. Obligatory pet murder scene and then the Tina death scene... very lame. Now, I'm not saying it wasn't bloody enough or something like that but it was DULL. Seriously, this is suppose to be a HORROR movie. Freddy throws her around the room a few times, then slashes her and that's it. Nothing to make you go 'Wow, that's like intense!!!'. Jesse panics, runs, sets off the house alarm. Goes to Nancy's house, Nancy is of course being artsy drawing pictures of Freddy. Kris is dead OMG Jesse gets arrested.
At this time story switches to Nancy who calls Quinton, they do research, finds stuff about sleep and micro naps (really, if you're in a bookstore and suddenly there is no one around but a weird little kid would you think it's normal? Psh. )
We find out parents are hiding something, intense search ensues culminating in them finding a group photo at a preschool none of them remember.
Jesse dies in prison via Freddy (another lame death, as if we haven't seen the hand through the chest one a billion times? Hmmm?)
Nancy searches for other kids on the list (besides her, Kris, Quinton, Dean, Jesse) and finds them all dead. (It is interesting to note that in this version it doesn't seem that Freddy is confined to Springfield as the rest of the kids have been murdered all across the US.)
She and Quinton go to find the Preschool, micro naps and idiocy ensue as well as a craptastic demolition of the iconic 'gooey stairs' bit from NoES original. Freddy is brought into 'our' world, he throws Nancy, throws Quinton, throws Quinton again, Nancy (sleep deprived, wee little Nancy) removes his hand with a single swipe from an ancient, rusty blade broken off of a paper cutter and then slices his throat with same blade.
....Unbelievable anticlimactic.
So, they start the school on fire, ambulances come, "the nightmare is over", ride away in the ambulance.
We next see Nancy and her mother walking into her house, they talk a moment before you see Freddy appear in the mirror behind her mother and jam his knives into the back of her head.
And that children, was the end.
I've been more disgusted (Rob Zombie's pathetic attempts at movies anyone?) but this was just...bad. It had no soul for lack of a better word. It didn't pack a punch, it didn't make you care about anyone, it was just empty junk.
Okay, so I can't bring myself to really concentrate on the whole movie. It's far too boring. I'll stick with my biggest rants.
1. Freddy was a child molester. We know this, it's handled in a much better manner in NoES original. Furthermore we were not subjected to terrible and painful sexual banter from him. "How's this for a wet dream" and of course the 'Fuck You' "Oh sounds like fun". Oh no he didn't...but sadly yes he did.
2. Dumb people. In horror movies it is expected that people are dumb otherwise the movie wouldn't work. BUT there really is a borderline here. Nancy...these pills or this adrenaline could help save your life "OH NOES I CAN'T DO THAT"... Okay then.
3. Dumb people pt 2. OH NO! My girlfriend was just butchered!! Let me put on my bloody clothes and run all over town. That won't draw attention!!!!
We just find out that Freddy really was a child molester. So, lets take forever to be upset about it while we have these micro naps okay? Sounds like a grand idea! That way, instead of just having a past with him, we can let him kill us too!! YAY
4. Ruining good classic scenes.
Bathtub. In the original Nancy takes a bath, starts falling asleep and we see Freddy's claw rise out of the tub between her knees but her mother knocks on the door and wakes her up. After her mother is dismissed she falls asleep and Freddy pulls her through the tub into a dark pool. Awesomness right?
Remake Bathtub = Falling asleep, claw rising, phone ringing and goodbye claw. Yep, that's really it.
Gooey Stairs. In the original during the first dream scene right before Nancy and Glenn attempt to go save Rod Lane she runs back in the house after being chased by Freddy and he feet fall into gooey spots on the stairs slowing her progress.
Remake Gooey Stairs = during final "I'll pull Freddy out of my dream" attempt, Freddy chases her into an upstairs hall in her house where she falls into a whole hallway of what I think is sticky blood. This also happens to be where the winning line 'how's this for a wet dream' gets dropped. I also found it sad that they attempted to bring the scene where Glenn gets sucked into the bed into play here. The afore mentioned hallway sucks Nancy in and then spits her out onto a bed, much like a backwards Glenn scene.
Tina Body bag. In NoES original she first makes an appearance while Nancy is in class, Nancy follows her down the the boiler room where Freddy corners her and she burns herself and wakes up screaming in class. She appears again during the first dream while Nancy is checking on Rod Lane.
Remake Body bag. When they are in the preschool Nancy pops into a Micronap and Kris in a body bag appears at the end of a hallway, she says something unmemorable and then Freddy speaks using her and that's that.
Really, like I said before, this movie had nothing good to offer. It wasn't even sad cheap fun. It was dull dull dull. The scares were cheap and boring, the characters were forgetable, the story was so blah.
In fact, while Charlie is asleep I believe I'll put in the original just to cleanse my mind of the ickyness of NoES Remake.
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